The reason I stopped

June 4, 2008

…writing. I used to think I was meant to write great things. Writing meant so much to me and being able to write brought so much joy. Then it just stopped. Just like that. Whatever creative river I had was suddenly cut off and a great dam now stood in the way of me and the finish line. For quite some time, I’ve been letting this dam get in the way and the water level stopped rising. The river was now dry. Heck, it was so dry that the Sahara would look like Water World.

But after being in the sun for so long, I think I finally found the reason why. That, or my brain’s dry enough to pass as jerky. Well, I stopped reading. I stopped watching. I stopped absorbing things that were the lifeblood of what I wrote about. You see, I haven’t been reading any good books, I stopped watching animé (religiously), I stopped watching regular TV shows, I didn’t listen to music much. So because I stopped exposing myself to new material, I’ve just been playing reruns over and over again.

Well, I seem to have found the cause. Now it’s on to finding the cure! It’s time to read again, to watch again… It’s time to learn again.

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Children’s Play

May 24, 2008

I watched some kids a while ago at the Teatrino or whatever that place was called in Greenhills. On the suggestion of my trainer from Convergys, I opted to take some time to watch these young hopefuls take center stage in a musical theatrical based on various Peanuts strips. There was no single plot. It was more of a montage of strips brought to life by the whimsical piano and pre-pubescent voices of children. How was it? It was pretty fun. Although I was all by myself, it actually helped me appreciate the whole performance even more. The children were cute and mostly energetic to watch and the piano provided enough music to the scene without really drowning out their teeny little voices (Yes, I’m talking to you Charlie Brown).

When I arrived, I was still a little disoriented and unsure if I had walked into the right show. Then I recognized that yellow shirt and zigzag stripe anywhere. Oh, that kid dressed up as a dog helped me realize I was in the right place, too. Some of their voices were difficult to hear but I wasn’t really expecting the most spectacular show of the year. I’m not bashing these kids. In fact, I applaud them for putting on a show that didn’t put the Peanuts gang to shame. My particular favorite segment was when Snoopy was having a monologue about supper. The song was cute and the humor of Snoopy/Charlie Brown was done well.

Unfortunately, I do not have pics. So go and sue while screaming “It didn’t happen!”. You just wait, I’ll get a cam. Someday. Just wait for it. :p

Version XIII

May 14, 2008

Despite this not being my first blog post for this version, I welcome you to Seraphim Garden ver13. I’ve tried to go with different names since I started but it looks like the Seraphim Garden has stuck. My last real Seraphim Garden incarnation was Summer Sunshine. Although I’m not on the freewebs host where SG started, this place should do until I get enough cash and time to move over and purchase my own/shared domain. One possible option is to join funds with Sorbetera to purchase a single domain. I plan to have the Vindicta forum hosted there, too.

As for the theme(well, just the header, really) is an angel gargoyle which I thought looked really nice so I did some work on it. The caption, ‘clip your wings and dare to fly’ sounds kinda emo but I thought of it was more of a challenge to the seemingly impossible. In any case, that’s about it. The previous post more or less got me motivated to update. You know, sticking to something and making something out of it.

Passion of the Geek

May 11, 2008

“Find something to dedicate your heart and soul to.”
-strwbry

Never before have I felt so astray when I heard these words. It was bouncing around the inner niches of my head, causing near-emo tendencies to surface. After all, I knew for a fact that I could not hold onto something long enough to really give my heart and soul to. I’m the kind of guy who gets bored pretty easily. It’s almost ridiculous, really. One moment, I get the urge to play Final Fantasy VI so I go over rivers and mountains just to get the means to play. But after a few seconds into the intro of the game, I turn it off and find myself reading an article on Final Fantasy VII. It’s that bad.

So it shouldn’t surprise you now why I was so moved by these words from the strawberry ice cream(SIC) vendor. That’s why I’m trying to find that “one thing” to dedicate my time and soul to. Finding that, however, is turning out to be a bigger challenge than I first imagined. There are a lot of things to choose from. I know that at one point, gaming was the central feature of my geeky adolescence. It still is a strong influence for me but rare are those games which would really get me up and excited. (STARCRAFT2, STARCRAFT2, STARCRAFT2, STARCRAFT2, STARCRAFT2)

<3

What do I have in mind then? Writing/Drawing. For the longest time, I’ve been doing one or both of these things. Then came the wonders of technology and computer gaming. It might seem immature to some but one of the things I still aspire to be is a game developer. I’m serious. A real-deal game developer that would (hopefully) release a role-playing game that would be loved by (most) gamers all around. It’s for that reason that I took up a programming course. That and my belief that I could learn more from an I.T. course than from an art/writing course.

My current job is a good ten thousand miles from my dream job but I’m gonna inch my way there. As with every dream, there has to be a starting point. I think I’ve dreamed long enough. It’s time to step up and rise to the challenge. It’s going to be a long and bitchy ride but “there’s no gettin’ off this train we’re on.” So I’m gonna start with just writing and drawing. It shouldn’t be too difficult since the SIC vendor said she’d help out by giving deadlines and such to pressure me.

I’ve gone on long enough without a burning passion to drive me. The Garden Re-opens.

Dawn of XIII

May 8, 2008

“The fifth of the moons and nineteen suns will give rise to the thirteenth sign. Fallen Justice, A fragment of an old empire, Destruction of the flames of hope… These are the precursors of the coming. The darkest hours will come to an end. The end has passed and a new beginning is at the horizon.

The Seraph of the Twilight returns.”

–Dane Anato, Scripts from the Garden

The Price of Ambition

January 18, 2008

I’ve come to believe that there are generally 2 kinds of people when it comes to aspect of ambition: Those who can be happy/contented with whatever it is that they have and those who want more. Although we occasionally become one or the other from time to time, we are generally one of them most of the time. For some random reason, I feel like discussing the topic and will probably give a bit of an in-depth commentary on my belief.

The Content
These people tend to not mind if things aren’t always in top condition. They seem to be more concerned with maintaining whatever it is that they already have. In short, the stability of a rock.

Stability

After all, why fix something that’s not broken, right? Things are perfectly fine the way they are now so just enjoy it. Under this category are also those who are passive and don’t really care because unlike The Ambitious, they’d rather not have to exert any more effort to get something they can go on without.

The Ambitious
This is the category of people who want more than what is currently available to them. These people want things that will make a little easier, a little faster, a little better, a little bit more. However, the degree of wants would vary from person to person. But regardless of whatever or however much they want, they generally want more on a consistent basis. One common characteristic of these people would be their constant struggle from boredom.

BOARD

Like the bored kitty said, he wants MOAR. After all, why not live life to the fullest? We only live once and so we should maximize it. Take risks, experiment, go beyond our daily routines to do something that would give us more then we would get if we just toiled regularly.

We constantly drift between these two extremes. The content person may want to improve his life once every blue moon if things go a little downhill beyond his control. The ambitious person may want to settle down for a moment and enjoy his spoils before moving on to his next conquest. But we are one type more often than the other.

For me, I believe that I’m more ambitious than content. Mostly because I can’t stand a grinding tasks whether it be in gaming or IRL for too long. I feel that I need to be constantly stimulated by life for me to be able to perform at my peak. At the same time however, I can’t really do so well if it demands change and action at a constant and rapid pace. You could say I’m ambitious who wants to take his time. However, this comes at a price.

Because I tend to be a little(possibly an understatement) overconfident when it comes to my full potential, I tend to let myself down a lot which kinda gets me a bit frustrated from time to time. I usually think that I can do better than I did. A result of my ambition of wanting something done but can’t. I wonder though, how do we know if we’ve reached our limit or whether we just need to try a little harder? There are some stories of people who tried enough times to finally achieve their goal. At the same time, we know that there is a certain limit to what we can do. So when is either?

Hmm, whatever. It’s already dawn. It’s time to get some breakfast and put my restless mind to sleep.

Sick Days

November 26, 2007

Oh the horror, it’s days like this that I wish I was just a regular ol’ student. I can’t really afford to skip training at CVG today so despite my recovery condition, I gotta head off to work. Actually, even if it rains like it’ll end the world, I still have to go to Convergys. Although I probably have to let everyone know I just have a fever. They might think it’s some contagious disease or something. Stupid funky water at some fastfood joint I can’t mention because I haven’t really confirmed it. So in order to avoid the risk of committing libel, I will simply refer to it as ‘funky fastfood house with a reference to climate’. Anyway, I’m gonna be late so I’ll just make a follow-up post to this later or something. Maybe not.

Anyway, just to make a special announcement, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEMMA!!!

The Intern | Erin Limmsdale

November 24, 2007

The intern walked by him with a flustered look on her face. He turned for a moment and told her, “Keep up the good work”. A tiny smile made its way onto the intern’s face and that made Erin feel a little bit better. There was no point in being a total jackass everyday anyway.

Writing for ‘Cover’ wasn’t at all that bad. Sure, the editor was always screaming at everyone but other than that, things were fine. It was just an environment that required excellence. Somehow, Erin always made sure that even though he was sometimes behind schedule, the quality of his articles would never fail to impress. “I don’t like it.” Gentrude threw his article down the shredder. “You better shape up Limmsdale, or you’ll be out of here faster than Xianny can bring me coffee.” The intern opened the door almost immediately after the editor mentioned her name. She was panting. “Anything you need, Gentrude-sama?”

“Iced grande unsweetened half-decaf light foam coffee!” Gentrude commanded. The intern nodded and left in a blink of an eye. “Do you see what I mean, Limmsdale? You’re getting sloppy. Not only that, you’re always late. If don’t shape up, she might end up taking your job.”

Erin was calm, as usual, but he knew that Gentrude was serious about him losing his job. She wasn’t the kind of woman to joke about these things. Losing his job at ‘Cover’ would mean losing stability completely. A model walked into the room and had a little chitchat with Gentrude. Erin was too lost in thought to even care that the model stepped on his foot with a stiletto heel when she entered.

Xianny cautiously opened the door to the studio.

“…ABOUT TIME!! Xianny really, your flat ass is starting to become useless every minute…” Gentrude snatched the cup from Xianny’s trembling hands. Xianny waited intently for her dear editor’s reaction.

Gentrude sputtered the coffee all over the place.

“What is this?! POISON?! I asked for an ‘Iced grande unsweetened half-decaf light foam coffee!! And what’s this!?” Smoke almost seemed to be coming out of Gentrude’s ears. Xianny bowed down profusely. “Gomen nasai Gentrude-sama… Please… I… give me another chance….” Xianny’s glasses slid down the bridge of her nose from bowing continuously.

“Nevermind Xianny. You’re just an intern. It’s natural that you’re all stupid right now. Just, clean this up and fer chrissakes, buy some tanning lotion!! You look almost like an albino with that pale skin!!” Gentrude rolled her eyes and turned her gaze back to the model. Xianny bowed down again and left. Not too long after, the model left as well.”So have you thought about what I told you?”

Erin nodded and stepped out of the office and out of the studio. It was a bright and sunny day but there was nothing to smile about in the case of Erin. He was going to lose his job to some flat-assed albino with glasses.

Another summer day had begun as Erin Limmsdale was already up and typing his life away on his newly acquired notebook computer. Deadlines were something he had gotten used to but despite that, he never paid much attention to them. They “aren’t useful unless in large amounts”, Erin once claimed. He had actually gotten used to piling them together then cramming them in a matter of two days or less. Fortunately for him, his articles were always of relatively good quality. He was hired as a regular writer for ‘Cover’ magazine. Although an article writer for a fashion magazine wasn’t exactly his idea of striking gold, he didn’t really have much of a choice on the matter. After all, the pay was good and if not ‘Cover’, he didn’t have many other options that would be willing to put up with his very relaxed attitude.

“That should just about do it.” Erin stretched in satisfaction as he completed his article on the bad habits of men. Almost on cue, Erin’s mobile phone let out its wailing tone as if reminding him that his task was not yet done. Erin pressed the answer button on his phone and held it a good distance from his ear as he anticipated an assault some decibels higher than the human ear is supposed to tolerate.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, LIMMSDALE?! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SEND YOUR ARTICLE YESTERDAY!!” The editor was never a kind and understanding woman. Curses and swears flowed from her like oil from a newly erected derrick. This too, Erin had eventually gotten accustomed to after spending a few good hours of being reprimanded. Although he actually felt lucky after seeing how his beloved editor treats the newly hired intern. Perhaps it was also due to the fact that the new intern was pale and frail-looking. It didn’t matter though since it wasn’t within his jurisdiction. It wasn’t his business and he had no plans of making it his business. Erin had enough problems and this new intern would just have to work things out for herself.

Duality of my post

November 9, 2007

You get to be the judge now. Thanks to my trainer, I was able to see this co-trainer of hers who allegedly looks like me. In fact, my trainer even insisted that we have a picture together! So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Exhibit A:


Is it true? Do we look alike? You be the judge.

Anyway, yesterday happened to be my birthday. It wasn’t really a special day, I mean, there was hardly even a celebration and I was still tired from training. Another year has gone by and I remembered about my usual thoughts during the Halloween/All Saint’s season. Mortality. We’re all doomed to die someday and although it’s useless to really think about it, we still can’t help but wonder, ‘what will happen? How will I die? Am I ready to die? When am I gonna die?’, These typical questions loomed over me as I looked at the numerous tombstones. But I easily dismissed them. The questions that got me thinking were more like, ‘What were these people like when they were at their prime?’.

I saw a tombstone at Loyola Memorial something at Marikina or wherever it was. It looked old, uncared for and beat up. I could barely even make heads or tails of the name etched on it. However, as I peered closer I saw that the date of death was around in the 1980’s. Like I said, I could barely read out the name. Did the person buried there foresee that his or her grave would turn out this way? Later on, we dropped by a crypt and I saw another tombstone, the death date was around 1960-something. However, the tombstone was obviously well-maintained. Apparently, others care for their departed more than others. But why? Is it to respect their memory? Just that?

I guess it’s easy for me to say that because I have not yet experienced a death of someone close to me. Although I pray that it doesn’t happen any time soon, I know that it will happen someday. Death will come for us all. One way or another, it will. I guess we have to make the most out of life. We can’t afford to just mope over the little things. Even the bigger things, we can only gloom over something for so long but we have to move on again. Though our hearts want to stay, our mind will tell us to trudge forward. Live life. Love life.